Unprepared

How do you prepare for the roles and responsibilities of life? No one warned me I'd need a degree in psychology to provide computer support. I wasn't warned to take English as a second language before getting married. And Hostage Negotiations are not part of the preparation to having a baby.

When the little ones first pop out they are so unique, each being a little white/pink slime covered raisin with freaky little arms and legs flopping everywhere. You take lots of pictures of each stage, especially with the first one. Picture frequency is inversely proportional to the birth order.

New parents seem to think that when the kid partially rejects their breakfast, they have "personality". They erroneously believe that only their little genius can respond to their singing by falling asleep. "How did they know how to do that?!?!" As a more experienced parent I just nod and smile.

What is more interesting is that the Grandparents get caught in the hype. They believe their grandchild walked exactly when they needed to, and therefore have proved their perfection and earned the overdose of candy for the day. You'd think they would remember scoffing at younger parents in their day. (Grandparents to my kids, I LOVE the way you grandparent. I am NOT suggesting a change.)

After 5 years I have found my younger daughter is showing some unique personality. Then she went to school and all the bad kids warped her and taught her naughty phrases like "Shut Up" and "Gimme" and "Bratz Dolls".

Come to think of it, I had a Slutz, I mean Bratz doll, WHISTLE at me in a store the other day. It was quite awkward as a young woman was standing between myself and the offending cat calling toy. She went beet red (the woman) and I said "Don't worry, I didn't think it was you." Yeah, that was witty. Oh, and my wife was with me at the time too.

SOOOOO here is the wonder girl that I am trying to condition out of "humour noir". She was upset with her mother about having to clean up and came out with this bombshell:

"I'm going to break all the toys in this house and wreck all the books in the house unless you do what I want."

My wife said "Pardon?"

My daughter restated her threat. Now I didn't know whether to laugh or grab the garlic and try to subdue this little horror film wannabe. Maybe I should ask "What Would Jack Bauer Do?" I tried to calm down both females involved so my daughter didn't start her spree of destruction on my laptop, and so my wife didn't get "Gitmo" on the poor little thing.

So I'm seeing a violent, and unnerving, pattern with this kid. She doesn't get her way, bad stuff will happen to us. I'm thinking maybe keep a Bratz doll handy to distract her with if she ever does turn on us. Any suggestions would be helpful, and if I go missing for a few days suspect the little one.

I am really regretting reading Stephen King now...