Letting go is unnatural.

I have a control complex.

I don't mean the really cool kind like the one on "Skullcrusher Mountain" where I will execute my doomsday plans against the foolish fools living their foolish lives. But I'd be lying to say that wasn't in my 5 year plan. Again.

I mean that I have trouble handing the reins over to someone else. In anything.

It took years to identify that I was the one with the issue. I kept wondering why people kept trying to wrench control away from me in projects, conversations or when they were driving and I would grab the wheel.

It took weeks more to figure out why:

I'm better than the alternative person in too many things.

You see handing control over to a professional is a matter of cognitive presence. Arguing with the cook, or the mom, or the firefighter is evidence that SOMEONE'S forwarding address isn't in this reality. Though I like to have a few of those people as friends so I always have stories to tell at parties.

Handing control over to an amateur is a matter of faith in humanity. I have none of that. I fully expect everyone I meet to be a narcissistic ignoramus and am pleasantly surprised when they aren't. To me the glass isn't half empty, it's half full of ammonia.

I can clearly see what will go wrong when I hand the prospective successor the project plan, keys to my car, or the salt. And so I would rather just hold on to things rather than endure the screaming of the passengers as the new driver thinks that "R" means 'Really fast' and shifts from 4th to Reverse at full speed. I sleep better that way, and by sleep I mean stay up until 3am with the stress of all I try to do.

And of course this isn't true. It turns out projection isn't just a trick to sound louder on stage. Most people can do things better than me. Except for perhaps running. And I've even lost that ability for a few weeks.

Perhaps I'm afraid that once people discover that I'm replaceable they will do so part by part until I'm a crazy cyborg scientist. Or perhaps I should listen to less Jonathan Coulton.

So I have begun to let go of things. And doing so is like intentionally peeing your pants. You know you *can* do it, but trying to do it is a whole new pool party. And I am proud to say that I am getting good at it and don't need to be reminded to do it successfully or often.

I mean letting go. Of things, not my bladder. I hardly even sigh heavily anymore. I just quietly suppress my fears of things going terribly wrong and remind myself that screwing my eyes shut does not convey a vote of confidence unless I'm willing to pass it off as a bowel obstruction.