Timing

Timing can mean everything. In the case of General John Sedgwick it meant that he would be an example of "famous last words".

This is especially true in marriage. What is funny on one day can be grounds for separate vacations, your vacation being in the car and starting now.

This past weekend I proceeded to insulate the windows of our house with plastic wrap. Come to think of it, I'm not sure why I didn't use the saran-wrap stuff. It's probably cheaper.

For those in warmer pastures or whose buildings do not have vacant gaps in the walls partially filled with glass, the idea is to trap air between the leaky window and the plastic. Comments about practicing 'safe housing' are not appreciated.

The procedure is deceptively short on the packaging. It involves:
A) Clean the frame
B) Put the two sided tape around the frame
C) Cut a piece of plastic to fit the frame
D) Affix plastic to tape
E) Use hair dryer to shrink the plastic so you don't assume you're having a stroke when you look out the window.

Here are my instructions based on experience:
1) Pull out last years plastic and tape. Think you have enough.
2) Clean window sill with water and rag.
3) Knock over pail of water on pile of books..
4) After clean-up of mess, dry window sill
5) Unroll tape and affix to frame.
6) Realize last years tape won't work.
7) Swear, then go to store to buy more tape.
8) Buy plastic that doubled in price from last year because demand of being environmentally sound has increased.
9) Re-affix tape to frame only to find damp spot you missed with the towel.
10) Re-affix tape to frame third time.
11) Measure window.
12) Measure plastic.
13) Inexplicably move 2" when cutting the plastic, making it too small for the window.
14) Conduct 'Cirque du soleil' routine affixing plastic to tape.
15) Burn out hair-dryer on the first window.
16) Accidentally touch overheated hair dryer to the plastic, burning a hole in it.
17) Swear really loud.

This gets twice as long if you want to put the plastic on the inside of the window frame to accommodate the blind. No, not an accessibility thing, the pull down blind so your neighbours don't receive confirmation that you are really that unattractive unclothed.

It was after these steps that my wife walked in and said

"Oh, I JUST finished getting last year's tape off the window sills. Do we even need that stuff?"

That did not help my blood pressure which was already allowing me to see the vein structure of my eyeballs. I'm not sure of how I replied, but suffice to say it was angry gibberish that I apologized for later.

So the trick to preventing those perfectly timed comments is lock yourself in the room where you're doing repairs, or wait until the family is away from home. The downside is that when you fall off the ladder/electrocute yourself/staple yourself to the wall no one can find you for a while. To ensure someone comes looking just say you're making the next meal.

I'm done the job now, and I'm just waiting for the kids to poke holes in the plastic because it's there.