Part 2 - Disappearing after too much appearance

Part 2 - Disappearing after too much appearance

Recap:  Pics & video of me posted.  I was humiliated.  It was awful.

Warning:  This post will contain details of my state of depression that could be triggers.  It will be upsetting.

I have a pre-existing condition of depression.  It has led to self-harm.  It has given the curse of suicidal ideation, which is the desire to die by your own means.  My Dad has a brilliant saying for it:  "If you could die right then you'd live happily ever after."

My biggest issue to my sanity is humiliation.  I suppose that is why this blog is all about being funny.  It's safer knowing people are laughing at your jokes rather than laughing at you the joke.

When the pictures and video of me went online last night I was upset, horrified, and ashamed.  As the damage progressed and more people became aware of what was online I plummeted into depression.  I wasn't sad.  I was nothing.  I wanted to be nothing.

I have a better understanding of how young people can take their lives after an incident like this.  I soon wanted to stop being anything, I wanted to disappear.

For me suicidal ideation and self-harm are not goals, they are means.  I don't romanticize my death.  I don't think a cut or smashed face will make me cool.  The thought process is simple.  I don't want to exist.  How not to exist?  Die.  That is it.

Self-harm follows.  If I'm not going to die, the next best thing is to hurt. 

I am in a far northern community right now.  Last night when it happened I thought about how to die.  Walk into the bush and freeze?  Find someone moving on a snowmachine and step in front of it?  Electrocution? 

I decided against death.  Not for any great noble reason.  Just didn't seem right.  I thought about my kids, my parents, my friends.  Not worth it.  I chose to live.

Then the urge to self-harm.  A red-hot element would work on the hand.  Doors can crush fingers.  Scissors can cut skin.

I decided against self-harm.  Not because I am strong.  I just decided that it wouldn't help matters. 

For anyone who has gone through those thoughts, or this situation, hugs, deep strong mother-f**cking polar bear hugs.  I can't make it better.  I can't pull you out.  So I'm going to join you there in that spot so you're not alone.  I've been there.  I made it out.  I'm not afraid.  We'll be safe and warm together. 

I will end this post with a repost of something powerful that helps me.  It makes me cry because it's so true, so real.

Boggle the Owl