Don't try to be funny

‘Nurds’ are not the most socially capable.

Some of this comes from our desire to assert ourselves in our pecking order. In normal society you assert yourself by lifting something heavy. Apparently it is impressive to show off that you can do more labour than someone far weaker with a set of pulleys and a vague memory of Grade 10 physics.

Geeks on the other hand show off by displaying our superiority of knowledge. If I can make you feel stupid through technical allusions, abstract references and puns then I am your better. Resultantly we are not often invited to parties, evacuations or group pictures.

Another factor is that one does not make their computer run better by discussing NASCAR or by sitting around in a group and sharing feelings. On the contrary, we need to isolate ourselves and work with the computer, alone and uninterrupted. This is applied science!

And then, once in a while, we grow a sense of humour. Being funny: Good. It makes people laugh and helps them feel better about their day and their lives. It would help immensely if we nerds actually cared about others emotions. The only reason we take note of them at all is to factor them into our estimates of job duration and difficulty. A good crier can add 40 minutes to your day.

Being funny as a way to show how smart you are: Bad. I am slowly learning this, but not enough for these poor co-workers who were foolish enough to ask my opinions rather than drinking tequila and asking a “Magic 8” ball.

This first person asked me if I could assist her in the connection of an external monitor to her laptop. I agreed, and provided this additional advice:

Just don't get it backwards. The power and signal only flows uni-directionally. Polarizing it will overload the capacitors in the monitor and the power source will overheat the liquid crystals until they become a vapour. Although this is a colourful trick the mist also happens to be toxic.

If you laughed at that you should make sure you know your own way out of each building you are in, because I suspect the exiting people may not bother you in the event of an emergency.

The second person sent me an email when I was out of town. In my defense it had been a long day and I was frustrated with the problem that had confounded the best techs in our organization; and my incapability of providing any assistance from where I was.

You have both defied the odds and exhausted my cache of reasonable solutions. I will now offer absurd options in hope that they will work where science could not.
When using your computer try:
1. Chewing pretzels with the left side of your mouth.
2. Burn scent-free incense
3. Turn off all radios, lights, and hide anything displaying the letter “L”
4. Rapidly alternate crossing your 3rd and 4th toes
5. Quietly chant the model of your computer
6. Throw a Vachon pastry at the computer unit.
7. Play Peek-A-Boo with the monitor.

So how do you work with a geek when they do this? Intimidate them with how much you can lift. Fear is a powerful motivator.