My weird roots: Part 2

I'll limit this series to two parts, mainly because I would never get to any other topics.

Ok, so I talked about how sports reflect a culture, and how Scotland is well represented in the "it only make sense if you're half in the bag" sports. I even forgot to mention Golf, or, "A long walk ruined".

A big part of culture is food. Another is music. There is also clothing and pets. The Scottish, being in a land with little there, and having little 'there' themselves, solved this problem in utilizing every part of one animal: The sheep.

Now what other culture would have someone say:
"Hey, how about we turn that animal inside out, stuff oatmeal in it, and call it dinner?"

I'm sure haggis was either a drinking bet gone wretchedly bad or some mother trying to teach her son a lesson, and that lesson was that she had lost her mind. It's quite a tasty dish, providing you get the tot of Scotch whiskey with it and try to forget how many organs you are eating in one plateful.

And then they get the idea that if they use the same format without the oatmeal, they can make a musical instrument/torture device that can strike fear into their foes, patriotism into their army, and municipalities to change bylaws? Ahh the bagpipes, what other instrument can be so clearly heard over so far a distance and still drive you batty? It even looks kind of like an inside-out sheep, although that does cast suspicion onto what appendage the player is blowing into. Anytime someone starts to play them the first notes cause me to muse if 14 cats did not simultaneously get worms.

That being insufficient, they also shave their food/musical instrument and make dresses out of it. I COULD make a comment on why pants are not good for Scotsmen to wear, but we already know all the other cultures are jealous enough already.

Scotland, a land with a culture rich in mystery. That mystery is "what the love are they THINKING!"

My weird roots: Part 1

I would like to comment on my lineage if I may.

I am a mutt of various British descent. Southern English, Welsh, Irish, and most notably, Scottish.

I say most notably because that is the one we identify with more often than not. It isn't the strongest part of the family tree, but it stands out.

Cultures are interesting. Not the neat kind in the petri dish that you're not allowed to drink, or the kind that you use to spoil milk and then melt on food, but the arbitrary distinguisher of people.

Culture is more than language, dress, laws, customs, foods, and music. That said, those are what we find are most crazy when we do cross cultures.

The Scottish have done an amazing job of setting themselves apart in almost every aspect of culture. They stand apart, mainly because everyone is too weirded out to get too close.

I touch on sports today.

Sports to the Scottish generally are total nonsense unless you are 3 sheets to the wind. Take the caber toss. Now the origin of this was either the dumbest pole vault ever or a drinking game ending badly. Either way you can be assured that whoever was part of it was legally a pickle.

"Hey McGlaven, I bet you cuddn't throw this pole."
"Now why are you resorting to racial epithets?"
"Nooo, throw the log."
"You're bein downright disgusting. What sort of drinking game is heave the turd?"
"NOOO, heave the enormous stick as far as you can."
"You've been talkin' to me wife. I do me best."
"Augh, I'll do it meself."
"Take a step closer to me kilt and I'll launch this here tree at ye."

And so a game was born. I imagine that the hammer throw was a kids game like getting dizzy on the baseball bat, but the one kid couldn't keep his balance afterwards so he just threw his bat at the other kids. If you know more than one Scot you can understand why that alone would change the rules from then on.

Finally there is curling. A game played on frozen ice, throwing stones at a target. An elegant, gentlemanly game that demands focus, skill, exertion and teamwork. It's also an excuse to binge drink with a bunch of people and give out prizes. It is the only game I know of that uses it's own equipment to hide alcohol.

Nonetheless, I am proud of my Scottish lineage. I would be more proud if my clansfolk were of a lower percentile for incarceration. I remind myself that you can't pick your family, but you can pick your nose, but never, ever, pick your family's noses.

Everything's better with monkeys.

Maybe I'm just combining links to make up for lack of inspiration. Here is a song that is worth the few minutes to listen to:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5W_wd9Qf0IE

Caveats:

-> Not for kids (one naughty word)
-> More funny if you know a geek

The original song is from
http://www.jonathancoulton.com/2006/04/14/thing-a-week-29-code-monkey
Buy the song if you like it. I will. BTW, I include the youtube reference because I suspect your attention span is less than the time it takes to get through the chorus. I'd say more but I think I've given you plenty of credit to make it this far today.

I think that was me in an alternate universe. One where I wasn't able find an awesome woman who can appreciate, endure or simply overlook my eccentricities. And that universe was drawn in anime.

And haven't you noticed that any idea that "jumps the shark" just throws in anime or monkeys? I don't get that luxury on the Church stage. I would probably get letters from the animal rights people, the people cleaning the poo off the stage and walls, the people who contracted lice, and the people who thought I was making a sneaky endorsement of evolution. And don't ask how hard it would be to get anime on there.

Still, I can't say that I don't dream of having a trained ape come in and save me from teleconferences at work. Or take the calls for me in the first place. The benefits of dressing a monkey in a little tuxedo, have them answer the door, and screech at people who try to bypass calling the helpdesk would be fathomless. I wonder if I can get a little ape outfit for my 4 year old...

Come to think of it, maybe that is why Dora is so popular. They started out with a monkey sidekick in red rubber boots. How cool is that? If they had killed of backpack with map inside and replaced it with Dora's "japanime satchel with lasers", I would have been hooked instead of seeking an anesthesiologist every time those characters come on screen.

Code monkey go to bed now.

Petting

I like having pets. I'm not talking about my kids, I really do like having little dependent creatures around my house.

There is something more complete to my home when an animal is making ambient noise, be it shredding the couch or falling off the counter or yelling for me to feed it or clean it's litter. Maybe it's the feeling that my kids can grow up, but I'll always have the worst part of their toddlerhood here.

I grew up having a cat and a dog at home. It was nice, except in the winter when the clueless cat would sit on the gas stove to keep warm. Singed hair is NOT a pleasant aroma to wake one's family up to.

In my college years I inherited a cat from a roomate. The cat is pitch black and named "Neko", which is Japanese for "Cat". I'm still yet to convince my father after 10 years that it's pronouced "Nay-kho", not "Knee-ka", "Keno" or "Nah-kho".

It was a cute addition to 4 bachelors living in a Church basement. (I always found it odd paying rent to live in the basement of "The FREE Church of Scotland".) The cat found lots of attention, expecailly after we found her dipping her paw into a tall glass with a bit of milk at the bottom. It was really cute until we thought about how long this may have gone on without our knowledge, and how well I kept the litter box clean.

Now I'm married and Neko is part of the family. Precisely the part that throws up on the floor directly in the path to my shower in the morning. I'm happy to have the cat here, it teaches the children caring for those who can't care for themselves, and the dangers of eating too much. Neko the "living sausage" cat causes me worry though. I love my children, and wish them no harm or pain in their life. Both are inevitable, but I still recoil at the thought. Then seeing how much they love that damn furry meatball with legs and a tail I'm worried that they will be upset when she dies.

I'm an optimist.

I must explain that I do not have, nor have any desire, to have a dog. My yard does not have a fence, I don't want one. I've seen what dogs do to peoples lives. A dog is like having a toddler around. You can't leave it alone without someone to watch it, it always wants your attention, it makes too much noise, and has the nasty habit of jumping on your most private of parts.

A cat on the other hand is like having a college student. They will steal food from your table and counter, they keep to themselves, they don't want you or need you unless it really suits them, they sleep all hours of the day; you get the picture.

Now we have a new addition to the family. A fish. We received it by being the last to leave our table at a wedding, and the fish in a small bowl was the centrepiece. I decided it would be a good token to teach the children the cycle of birth, life, death and flushing. I forgot that one cardinal rule of pets:

They cost way more than they are worth BEFORE you have them in your home!

Had I thought about an aquarium, rocks, miniature castles, food, nets and all the trouble and cost of having a fish and cat at the same time, I would have passed. Instead now I have a fish named "Sally" (I suggested Han) who is going to eat up my budget for going to see "Indiana Jones" through periphery expenses.

I should go, my wife just announced an evening game of "find the turd" by saying "It smells like cat poop in this room." Ahhh, how boring life would be without pets.