Menu for help

I work in a bureaucracy. I don't know any child who aspires to the lofty goal of order taker and passer on-er. I also do not know of anyone who is grateful for the system, except those who are insulated from the annoying requests of common folk. Think of it as a labyrinth without David Bowie.

There are few warning signs louder than when David Bowie would make your office a COOLER place.

Being a cog in a giant robot that lumbers in circles as a dog would chase it's tail in thick oatmeal has its limits. You can't make the machine flail faster, but you can slow it down.

A wise co-worker once put it this way while on the phone with another office: "Please put me in touch with someone with the power to say YES."

I can't make anything happen per-se, but I sure can put a damper on your day if you need my help. I may not be your sunshine, but I can be the cologne-deficient co-worker between you and the window.

I do try to be above stopping work to show my own power. It may come as a surprise but I don't feel more virile by saying "You don't have the right forms". Nope, THAT wasn't the cause of my emasculation.

But I have found that I do have a secret set of rules on the priority of my work. And this I use almost unconsciously. I suspect most people have this but have not honestly admitted it. I myself just can't pass up the opportunity for bribery.

I evaluate bonuses and penalties in queue position. These are typically applied on your next request for help.

Position -- Cause
+3 -------- Cookies/candy at workstation for me to eat.
+2 -------- Read my blog.
+1 -------- Laugh at my jokes instead of me.
+1 -------- Compliment for my Hawaiian shirt.
+3 -------- I overhear you bragging about how great I am as a tech.
+1 -------- You ask for a technical explanation and listen without yawning.
-3 -------- You show up at the last minute and demand I do the work right away when it wasn't an emergency 2 hours ago.
-2 -------- Asked me to gather information that isn't part of my job.
-2 -------- Asked for help and then are not available when scheduled
-3 -------- Asked for help but don`t follow my directions and then blame me for your continued problems.
-4 -------- Spent 20 minutes of my time telling me how busy you are and why the computers hold you back when the fix will take 2 minutes of your full co-operation.
-1 -------- Mean disposition.
-2 -------- Stinky.
-3 -------- Awkwardly stood too close to me in an otherwise empty elevator.
+7 -------- Can quote Firefly.

I wish I could tell you the queue on any given day, but I make it up as I go along. Can't let the job get boring now...