Sometimes it's hard to feel sorry for them.

Part of raising children is instilling into them proper use of the language and good etiquette. Traditionally this is done by the mother, particularly after the father utters 3 of the 7 words you shan't say on TV. In my defense I had spilled scalding coffee on myself.

We are a family that does not swear. This means we are allowed to say Hell, Damn, Crap, and Jeez providing they are not in the same conversation. Words of greater offense can be said very quietly as often as you like as long as the kids don't hear it.

There are a few strategies on why you don't teach your kids their first F-bomb in the first 5 years of life. Mainly it has to do with their total lack of social awareness and restraint, especially when at your parent's house for dinner. The answer to "Where did you learn that kind of language" should never include the words Mommy, Daddy, bathroom or bedroom.

If you do have what could pass for a fit of Tourette's and the kids hear you you can cover it off by not making note of it. It helps to distract them, but be careful. I think I've conditioned my kids that they get to go shopping for candy every time someone hits their finger with a hammer.

If they do repeat the new, unabridged vocabulary do not do the following:

Gasp
Faint
Say "Don't use that effin language"
Laugh

The last one is the hardest for me. The danger is if they clue in that the word gets a reaction they will make all adults their puppets with the gratuitous use of four letter words. Oh, they know how to play us, which is why we must not teach them the tune.

Tonight my younger daughter had a sliver in her finger. This was the usual trauma involving her choice of surgeon to remove the lumber (measuring 1 cm long). She picked Mom.

The delicate procedure performed, a layer of antiseptic ointment and tourniquet applied, the little person was carried off to bed since the anesthetic of "Sit still or else" hadn't worn off yet.

I was saying goodnight to her when she presented her injury for a fatherly kiss in order to speed it's healing. In doing so she flipped me the bird.

Must... Not... Laugh.

If this kid figured out that by presenting the correct appendage manifests into adult hilarity or fury there would be no end to it. I could see myself boarding up the rear windows in the van to prevent retribution from passing motorists.

So if my kid signs to you "F you very much", please just smile and say "Yes, that must have hurt."