Second place personality

I have a second place personality. You know how people can have a winning or a losing personality, well mine is the kind that strives to impress others only to trip and fall at the finish line.

It's tragically hilarious. I will capture others attention with witty dialog or banter. I can do it for at least 3 sentences. Then without warning my lower opinion of them falls out of my mouth and all over their respect of me. It's like playing a game of craps with my mouth. Sooner or later I'll invite a hard five at my face.

As a child I learned to suppress my wit because I was smart enough to know the cause of my own suffering. Now that it's incorrect to dole out wedgies at work I seem to be making up for lost time.

Yesterday I was in the elevator returning to work from lunch. I wanted to get back from my workout with at least 5 minutes to eat before time ran out. On one of the floors some people got on just after someone exited.

Usually I enjoy the moment of intellectual superiority where I point out they have made a mistake (another misuse of wit). I lord my capacity to determine the direction of the elevator from the indicators on the wall over those who don't know which way is up.

But being in a rush I was less patient and jovial. So as the people attempted to get on I moaned "This one is going up." They clued in only after entering the box that hangs from a hidden cable. Then one person said "I don't want to go up..." and tried to leave, stopping the painfully slow door and causing it to open again. At the same moment her friends pulled her back and said "No..."

This 10 second delay on my break broke me and I said with a smile:
"Don't punish me for your indecision."

They all looked at me and the part of my brain that heeds the teachings of St. Fu was absent. I continued with the same 'winning' smile:
"Why am I being punished? What did I do wrong?"

The succinct reply from the wishy-washy directionally challenged one was the sublime repartee:
"Because you are."

Nice. 25 years and that response still confounds me. It is a logic black hole, it only gets stronger the more explanations you throw at it.

I was tempted to press all the buttons when I exited the elevator and consequently punish all of them, but I only motioned as if I would. My intention was to show I could be a jerk like them, but I'm too weak to be. They probably have forgotten about the rude babbling guy with a palsied twitch that nearly bumped him into the elevator panel.

And that is an example of why second place is the first loser.